So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
