Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
