i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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