wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
