just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
