Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
