I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
