I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
