i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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