24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
