im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
