dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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