I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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