apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
