woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
