Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize