dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
