I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this boner is exhausting
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
