No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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