Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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