turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
