I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
