My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
