Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize