I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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