just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my being single is dangerous.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize