I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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