so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
