You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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