We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
