U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
