Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
