I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
