im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
