drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
