I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
