census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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