I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
