i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm really busy with my period
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
