you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
