After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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