Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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