he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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