i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
