There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
