I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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