All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
