I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
