It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
