fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
