hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
