just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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