god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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