What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
