Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
