**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
