My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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