Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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