his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
