I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
